first off, i know a lot of people can see this.

i hate the fact that i'm opening up here, being so vulnerable in public.

but i've got to. because i have nowhere else to go.

you know,

i look inside me and i see nothing.

i really see nothing.

its supposed to be scary to face yourself knowing that inside, you have nothing?

you ARE nothing?

but i feel nothing.

i dont feel any more.

all eyes on me keep hoping for something more.

and i cant give them anything.

i am sorry. i have failed you all.

some people i failed more than others.

you guys should learn. never, ever, rely on me.

never thought i could feel this way.

waking up, not wanting to get up.

going to bed, not wanting to sleep.

i wake up and i stare at the ceiling and i do absolutely nothing to get myself out of bed.

what is there waiting for me anyway? nothing but troubles and worries and scoldings and angry faces.

is there anything worth waking up for?

is there anything even worth living for?

(well there is soda gembira. and waffles. and fries. so i suppose that's good enough.)

if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt even bother going to uni.

you're saving me, and you dont even know it.

but i dont deserve to be saved.

i dont deserve to be anything. to do anything.

not when ive been nothing but a disappointment.

a waste of breath, some people might say. a waste of time.

give me up.

im a lost cause.

why fight for me when i've given up on myself?

yea, i'll study. i'll pass.

and i'll just deal with the pain, as i learn how to deal with the pain of others.

because that's life.

whether you like it or not, it goes on.