catharsis

Hi there, guys.

I just wanted to get something off my chest, something that's been simmering on low heat for quite some time, and is now anxiously bubbling, threatening to spill over and scald all that is around.

I have been, for the past few days, extremely and deeply hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and angry.

Over the course of the past three years, I've been led to believe that I was a part of this amazing fellowship of like-minded people, friends, brothers. I was told that I was important, that I had a role to play in all of these - that I was of some significance. That I mattered. And of course this belief filled me up, gave me quite a bit of joy. 

Over the past year, I've been teased with the notion that I may be able to contribute a little to this team. If nothing, then at least I would have been a part of it - a part of something great, something memorable, I was told. And it was never explicitly said so - "You're on the team!" - but I didn't mind. After all, I never showed up often enough; I wasn't the most talented of players. But still time and time again I came, I hung out with you guys in the belief that nothing mattered more than these connections that we had with each other.

And then there was that one message, that spoke of making the last play of this past 5 years a memorable one. It spoke of memories, and kinship, and of how I was liked, and how I might have a role in this craziness.

And then more voices spoke; of how we should have a team identity, of cheers and plays and strategies and jersey numbers. I was included, and part of this closed-off circle.

And then, the circle closed up without me in it - I was dropped without so much ceremony - just a quick apology, a few sheepish smiles, and then it was business as usual. An offer to join the "other team". An offer that they could spare "good players" so that the "other team" wouldn't be embarrassed. Offers that to this day stink of condescension and arrogance.

I struggled to understand this - but I guess I have no need to.

You see, through this, it has been made abundantly clear to me that I was never accorded any special place in this circle of friends. The memories that you spoke of cherishing and recording? - you wanted only for your group. A group that does not include me. In fact, even this apparent noble intention was twisted with avarice - do not deny to me that you are not in this to win, or to beat the other teams. Your so-called honour rides more on the brief, fleeting wings of victory than on the broken, dull, but tested hoofbeats of true friendship and fellowship.

So know this: I have thought that these memories were worth preserving and cherishing; but your actions reveal to me that you think nothing of casting them aside for the simple matter of prizes, ceremony, and victory.

In other words, you do not think of me as I for you.

And if that is the case, then there is no reason for me to hold such deep seated anger and grudge against you - after all, there is so little to care about!

I know now that my place in the circle was never in the centre - I was at the peripheries, always looking in.

And I am going to be alright with that.

Of course this does not change our friendship; friendships that I've cultivated and fought for over the years. But it does mark the second time in my life that I have been so deeply disappointed by people I cared so much for. I have said my peace. Perhaps now I may let go of this anger and move the fuck on.

Good luck for the tournament.